...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
