Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
