It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
