new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm too high and old for this...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
