When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
