two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize