haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
