she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
