I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize