i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
