Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
