hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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