Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
