If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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