My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
