i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
