i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
