At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
