I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
