that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
