A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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