why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
