is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
