yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
