if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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