The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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