I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
