Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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