You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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