I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
