I faked an abortion last night.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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