Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
