Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How naked do you want me to be?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
