i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
