were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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