a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
