I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize