But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
