i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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