I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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