The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We were destined to go to rehab together
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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