I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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