Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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