After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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