Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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