My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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