i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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