So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
