i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
