Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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