I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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