so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
