Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
