I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
