she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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