just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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