If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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