I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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