Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
