They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
