you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
