she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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